August 31, 2009

i don't know what got into me today
maybe its just the fact that today,

is seriously not my day.

i thought i could at least enjoy today because,
first of all, its monday and i dont have sch
= monday blues

then second of all, i'd be able to enjoy my day with love, the girls and classmates.
but everything seems screwed up today.
i just felt like kicking everything right infront of me.

i am sick and tired of going through with your attitude already.
you talk to me as if i am so annoying to you like that
if thats the case then just say it, i won't talk to you at all
and if i don't talk to you, you'd be asking me what's bothering me

i'll tell you whats bothering me.
not being able to be with you as usual, is already making me feel paranoid.
but you, having to talk to me in such a manner, but then talking so happily with your friends,
make me feel as if i am some kind of a pest.
you say you are tired, the weathers is annoying the hell out of you and that is why you spoke like that
and if thats the case, how come the way you talked to your friends and me are far different?

i just don't understand.
i wonder why you keep doing things like this, making me feel so hurt, and not think how i would feel if i did the same to you.
you hate it when i answered you in a rude manner, but then acted differently with my friends.

wouldn't you misunderstand the whole situation too?
i bet you would.

i am sick and tired of you ignoring me when you are with your friends.
and i am down there, alone waiting for you to come talk to me.
i know you want to talk to your friends and all,
but it's a whole lot different for us this month.
and i thought, i hoped, we could be able to spend just one day together.
being able to talk to each other.

you can see your friends everyday, go home with them everytime, play sports with them anytime, play any computer games anytime, go to terawih prayers with them every night.

but it's different for me.
it's different for us.
we've got only today.
and you had to me make me upset.

this sudden parting already makes me feel bad. what more with my personal problems and the stress that the n levels are adding. what even more worse is for you to treat me that way.
i fucking hate it uh, let me tell you. i fucking hate it when you treat me that way.

i hate it when you ignore me in school, but talk to everybody else.
i hate it when you ignore me when i want you to talk to me.
i hate it when i tried to talk to you, and you showed such temper.
i hate it when you keep so quiet when i asked you to do something.
it makes me feel as if i forced you to do it.
it makes me feel as if you really don't want to do it, but you're doing it just for the sake of it.

how would you feel if i were to act exactly like you?
would you be satisfied?
would you be happy?

i doubt so.
i doubt you can laugh and pretend nothing is happening.
i doubt you can just forget about it.

you want me to be happy, yes i know.
but with this going on every now and then,
how do you expect me to forget all about it?
it keeps on repeating and repeating,
and i am getting sick and tired.

of reasons, of excuses....

im getting sick and tired of EVERYTHING that you do to make me hurt.
every small thing that you do, matters.

i know sometimes i just get too upset about every little thing.
but its all things that you used to do, and you forgot to do it.
its all the things you used to say, and you forgot to say it.

i've repeated many times that im not that type of person who adapts to changes quickly.
especially when something turns out worst than before.
i DONT want to get hurt in the process of getting used to everything....

but it seems like i have to be in order to get use to something like this
you make me laugh, you make me smile, you are still the reason why my heart skips a beat.

but i just don't know why you have to hurt me time and time again.
i don't know why you always give me excuses, and reasons.
is that supposed to make me feel okay. i thought so.

please, i am sick and very very tired of having to talk to you about this already.
i don't want to see your attitude like this anymore.
the reasons i get angry is partly because of this.
its always been this way, and its hurting me to the Xtreme.


you don't need to tell me how you feel,
the way your face changes in such a way
tells me everything already

its like you feel trapped whenever you are with me
and you feel freedom with your friends.
therefore, you are happier, laughing with your friends
but ten always keeping quiet and face expression changed when you are with me

ive been keeping this to myself all this while.
i just don't know why it seems to bother me.
maybe it makes me feel as if,
as if he doesn't need me anymore, because i failed as a girlfriend to make him happy.
because i failed to make him laugh and make funny jokes about everythin.
maybe it makes me feel as if,
he is much happier with his friends, rather than me.
maybe he got everything he needs, his guitar, family and friends.

sometimes it makes me feel as if,
my presence in his life, his heart is no longer important.
it's like im a temporary thing in his life, where he can chuck me aside
i feel god damned useless.
i feel like a god damned,

nobody....
in his life.
in his heart.

i dont expect you to be with me all the time,
but know when you should be here with me and when not to
you know you are going to spend the rest of the month with your friends and family
and we can't even meet after school,
or during our days.
we can't even have our heart to heart talk anymore.

and then when it comes to my turn, for me to text you.
you would always be tired, or just sleeping the next hour.
we would text only for an hour or so, then you would head to bed.

it's just kinda hard for me just to be in this situation.
you are busy and you can't do anything about it.
i am doing nothing here and i can't do anything about it.
you don't feel hopeless in this kinda situations, but i do.
i feel god damned hopeless.

it's like being so confident that the grip is there, right infront of you
ready for you to fall onto when you trip
then you are about to trip you searched for the grip infront of you
and it's just nowhere to be found
then you fall down hard on the ground

i hate this feeling, i really fucking hate it.
its not a depending-kind-of-matter but it's just
that feeling of being hopeless
like going through a situation you fucking hate
and theres nothing you can do about it

urgh

just the thought of it makes me upset
what more going through it everyday..
if this is bothering me so much that it makes me shed a tear,

you tell me how am i supposed to fast?

yeah i know, relax. chill. don't think so much. breathe.
i've seen this words a million times before.
i even told everybody to chill, relax and breathe to everyone going through problems
but i don't preach what i say
i tell em not to cry over boys, because no boys are worth your tears
but i cried for mine.

why? because i dont preach what i say, and thats partly the reason why.
but i cry because it makes me feel better,
not because i am fucking emotional,
but if you were t be in my shoes, i think you would cry too.

i know i have to be patient in this kinda matters,
compromise, understand my partner a little better.
but sorry i can't understand why he has to show and talk to me in such a manner,
but not to his friends.
im sorry i couldn't understand that.

i know if he were to read this, he would somehow be mad.
but this is how i feel about how you treated me.
its kinda hard for me to tell you straight
maybe because we just don't have the time together
or just, you're simple too busy or tired

sigh

yeah another paranoid post.
but also a post about how upset i feel when he does that to me most of the times.
why can't be turn back to those times when we would always be calling each others name jokingly then end up laughing about it.

why can't you stop doing this all over and over again.

No comments:

Post a Comment