mom : (opens door) my friend say...
me : (stopped crying)(sniffed)
mom : what happened?
me : nothing ma.
mom : you and your friend fight again?
me : no la, i just stress..
mom : what happened again?
me : nothing la... really im just stress.
mom : stress with what?
me : err.. i dont know, geo i just can't pass.
mom : why you and your friend always quarrel? last time nvr fight until this much you know.
me : (silent)
mom : (left the room)
i was crying right after he got down from the bus and left me alone there.
i cried my way back home and in my bedroom.
because i really don't understand.. what happened. the way you treat me is way different than you treat others. your friends, my friends. you don't talk to me in school, you don't call out my name, you don't look at my direction, you didn't even look at me, i wasn't okay with it before. but i changed myself for you, that i wouldn't be mad at it anymore because i thought it was something minor. you talk with everybody else with a smile on your face. " it's okay if he doesn't talk to me in school, or not look at me, as long as his happy, i'm happy. " i told myself. but when it comes to me, why are you treating me so differenly?
what hurts me the most is when you talk to me.. it's like as if i've hurt you really bad that you can't be able to forgive me for what i have done. if i did, i'm sorry. if i am too boring for you, i am sorry. if i am just not that fun to talk with, i am sorry. if i am not perfect enough for you, i'm sorry. but i just don't understand when its the part for us to talk, you would keep quiet and your face changes. you tell me your okay, your fine, im here to hear you talk. but your actions your face tells me the opposite.
i asked you why and you said your tired or either too hot because of the weather.... sigh. but your actions also tell me that you don't want to talk to me? what happened to the old boyfriend of mine whom i used to know. who would always say, " b jgn marah marah lagi. i kan ade kat sini, so jgn mrh mrh k? * smile * " that smile which would cheer me up even when i feel rockbottom. the one who makes me smile with just his smile. his smile at me. you know even you smiling me from far, i would get excited and say ' he just smiled at me :) ' and makes me even happier than before.
but when i told you about my problems now all you say now is " just ignore it la. " sigh. and it's not only that, that is making me upset. it's also the fact that you don't look at me when you talk to me at all. i'm just so hurt with how you treat me, it's like you are testing me whether i can cope with heartbreaks and what not. it's like you are getting back at me. why can't we just be back to normal, the way like you used to treat me? the way you used to look at me. the way you smile at me, is way different than the ones you gave to other people. but you didn't smile at me for the longest time, and haven't looked at me ever since...
it's 4.40 pm, and i doubt he will he text me that he is going to play soccer already. what have i done wrong to deserve this treatment from him? if i did something wrong, why is he keeping it from me and bottling everything inside of him? if i did something wrong, all the more he should open up to me and make the relationship work out. if theres anything you feel different about, then why wouldn't you tell me. why beat around the bush and play this game all over again. why not try to be straightforward for once...
even though the way he treats me hurts me alot, and that it has been going on for a very long time, almost everyday.. i'll just keep quiet. i'll just be patient with him and hopes that he will change for the better..
i wouldn't want to mention a single word of how i felt to him. i don't want to pressurize him anymore, let me suffer by ownself. let me suffer with all he is doing that is making me hurt. because i still believe that there is still hope..
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