They say :

" If you love someone, just let them go. "

i say : sigh, but i can't bear to.

" Don't give your everything and end up with nothing. "

i say : but i still believe and i still have faith in us.

" Chill okay, i know how you feel. "

i say : I know.

" You've already tried your best, why is he doing this to you? "

i say : I really don't know.

" Cheer up Steph, the world doesn't end here. "

i say : I've heard that a million times.

" Today you go home, you think about what has been happening lately. Without the computer switched on and the television. You ask yourself whether you have been really really really really happy. "

i say : I don't know..

" You can't always follow your heart. "

i say : But my heart is says i should stay because i still love him.

" Kau takmo bodoh bodoh lah Steph, Think hard. Really really hard. "

i say : sigh..

" There's still many opportunities for you to meet new people when you leave secondary life. "

i say : sigh, but he's the only want i love?

" Are you okay? "

i say : What do you think?

" Steph, I know you've hurt him with your words once or twice. Even so, you were only trying to tell him that he has been neglecting you ever since. I know you are trying your best to make this relationship work. You're trying so hard to avoid misunderstandings. You're trying so hard to put aside all of the feelings you feel aside, but you can't. You're trying so hard to make it all like it was before but Steph, you also ought to know that it takes two hands to clap. "

i say : but i thought with everything i'm giving to him will make him realise...

" Kau mintak break je la, kau tngok situasi kau bukan maken baik tapi maken burok. Everything says it should end here, but i don't know why you are still hanging on. "

i say : Sigh, i don't want to leave him just yet..

" Buat apa kalau kau hang on, tapi he's all ready to let go? "

i say : Does he really want to let go? I don't believe it.

" Buat apa mesti continue hubungan ini, kalau tidak ada kommunikasi? "

i say : I really don't know.

" You should really leave, it's like he's waiting for you to initiate the break. "

i say : I don't believe this...

" Everybody can say that they love you. I can say i love you, any guy can say i love you. But what matters is whether if, he shows that he loves you and most importantly, that you feel his love. "

i say : I dont feel anything like that. What i feel is that he gets irritated when i'm around. That he is trying his best to just get rid of me. That he is doing every mean not to look at me?

" Why is he treating you this way? "

i say : I'd like to know what's going through his mind.

" Why is he pushing you away? Even if there is something bothering him, he should be confiding in you. If there is something he doesn't like to see/hear, all the more he should tell you what. Then from there the relationship between you two will work. "

i say : He doesn't tell me anything.

" You know, the way he treats you now is worst than how he treats his friends. Remember how he treated you last year? Yeah that's how he's treating you now. "

i say : sigh, i know..

" Seriously sia, the way he treats you now and the way he treats you back then is way different. And i mean way different. You're not the only one who noticed it, everyone did. "

i say : sigh..

" I don't see that happy, cheering, loving, sweet, understanding guy anymore. At least he was the first few months, but it seemed to have faded overtime. "

i say : I know..

" Wah liao, i hear your story already damn stress sia. "

i say : If you're already stressed up hearing it, how do you think i feel?

" Why do you keep giving in to him when he's at fault? "

i say : because i love him and i don't want us to fight anymore.

" It will take forever for him to realise that he needs you. "

i say : Deep sigh,

" What do you intend to do? "

i say : Just follow my heart and hang on. I'll tahan him till i can't anymore.

" Don't tahan tahan until you cannot tahan anymore. You bottle everything inside then one day you will end up leaving him. Because you already have nothing to give. You give him everything and he pushed you away. "

i say : sigh,

" I seriously thought that he was going to treat you better sia this time. "

i say ; Thought so too.

" You should really end this, Steph. Are you planning to hang on? "

i say : yes.

" Then get hurt and feel like this everyday? "

i say : I don't know. I'm not strong enough.

" You put him first, i wonder where he puts you. "

i say : Beats me.

" Maybe your thinking too much? "

i say : Thinking too much? His actions tell me a thousand words. He doesn't have to lie, nobody has to lie.

" I think if any girl would be in this state you are in right now, or just any girl in a relationship with him. The girl would have left him a long time ago. I wonder why you're still hanging on. "

i say : Because i love him.

" Stop crying. People will think your seeking for attention. People will think you want their sympathy. Be strong babygirl, i know you are. "

i say : I don't give a fuck about what people think about me. It bothered me so much that i happen to think about it every minute, everything i do. Sometimes i get so broken hearted, i'd shed a tear or two. It's not that i want to, they just come out. Who would ever want to be in my situation?

" I don't know why he keeps avoiding you when you are only trying to tell him how you feel. "

i say : Then your saying i should keep everything to myself and not tell him anything? What hella kind of a boyfriend is that?

" Do you really want to continue this? Fighting and all, not talking? "

i say : No i don't want to..

" It's either you or him. One of you have to give in. "

i say : I'm giving in.

" Are you strong enough to tolerate the hurt? "

i say : I'll try my best.

The only reason why i was mad at you, was because of how you treat me. I never wanted to say those hurtful words to you, I never wanted to be mad at you, I never wanted to make you hurt. You start the fire, and i decided to let it go because i don't think it's worth fighting over you neglecting me. Because i thought you would not neglect me after the first fight. Because i trusted you so much, that i told myself everyday, " Don't think so much about it, I know he knows what to do. " You tell me you are sorry, and that you won't do it again. I put my trust on you again, because that is what i ought to do. To trust you. I expected you to know what to do next and what not to do. The first fight already left me such an impact. But i decided to let it all go, because if you keep holding on to it you'll never forget about it.

Remember the first time we fought? It was about your sister. She fought with you and made you feel angry. I cheered you up with text messages, Disturbed you a little like one of those messages that went " Sure or not! Haha. Later i check check the opposite. " And you replied me with " Tk mo mepek ar. " And then i was deeply hurt because you weren't like this before. You never said that to me before. I then replied you with " I only wanted to make you smile. I only wanted to be someone that can make you happy.. " Then you apologised and we were okay again. I was glad, very glad.

Then you stopped talking to me in school. And i wondered, what happened? You talk to everybody else, but not me. I asked you why and you said nothing is wrong. I was hurt, very hurt by the way you treated me. This i tolerated it for a month or so. I asked you whether you were jealous, you said you weren't. Indeed, i was upset. I was having family problems back then, and i just finished telling you everything. I was okay, because you were there to make things better through texting. Then you suddenly told me that you didn't want anybody to know you. I was back to rockbottom where i was the last minute. I cried just reading the message. Then i said " I think i've had enough for one day. Goodnight. " And headed to bed. Even so, i couldn't get myself to sleep. I was worried why you said that to me.

Then the next day i see you in school, you still treated me the same. Just treating me as if i am invisible, when i am right infront of your eyes just waiting for you to say I'm sorry.. I should have never said that. But you didn't. You didn't come up to me and say anything. You treated me invisible the whole day. Then you text me i'm sorry later in the afternoon, and everything was back to normal. Again, i was glad. very glad.

Then you started treating the same again, i was hurt. That day was when we had our class outing to watch a movie together. I didn't reply your message telling me that you were already home because i was too upset. Then i met you again, at eunos with everyone else. The guys knew we were fighting, and they arranged our seats next to each other. Before the movie started i said, " I'm sorry i didn't reply to your message earlier on. Just promise me you don't do it again, okay? " Then you nodded yes. I moved closer to lean on you, but you sat further away. Even though we held hands, i still felt like you were so far away. I leaned over your shoulder, my head outside the seat. But you moved a little to the other side and sat lower. I was broken hearted. But i believed that he was going to change for the better.

Then the movie ended we went to the rooftop to sit together. You were quiet, all the way. I asked you whats wrong and you said nothing was wrong. Then i thought to myself " I thought you already promised that you won't do this anymore? " So i went to the other side of the railing, just to see the " cruise ship ". Then you hugged me from the back and started saying " What are you doing here hm? " Then i said nothing, you see that ship down there? The big one. Do you see it? " Then you said " Thats not a cruise ship, thats a building! Hahaha. " then i said " Noooo, thats a cruise ship. It looks like a cruise ship. I win " Then you flashed that beautiful smile of yours to me, which melts my heart in every way. which made me feel confident, and that everything is going to be just fine.

Then during the 4th month, we didn't really fought as much as we used to. Because you didn't ignore me in school. Because you still kept to the promise and then one night before we went to bed together at the same time, I told you " Im really happy that you have changed :) and that you kept to your promise. I hope you'll keep your promise, i just know you would :) i love you so much! " then you replied me with " If you're happy, i'm happy too! :) " Then we headed to bed and slept.

Then situation got worst when it came to our 5th month. We fought and ignored each other for days. We gave ourselves a time out then you texted me sorry. You treated me the same in school and i'd get mad. You talk to all of your friends and my friends too, but not me. And then i'd get mad. You ignore me in school the whole day, and then id get mad. You talk to other girls, i'd be fucking jealous. All of these, made you even more agitated.

I'd tell you look at how you have been treating me, ignoring me in school and such. Talking to everybody else but not me. That you broke the promise. Then you said " Omg, you are so different. " Different because of the way i talked to you. My attitude towards you was slightly different, because i was so angry and so disappointed with you. Then during the 5th month celebration. It was on a sunday. The day before you told me you wanted to go out with me tomorrow. I was happy, so looking forward to the day. I made cards went to tampines mall early in the morning to print out pictures, bought a special material type of card because the ones i have at home sucks. Doesn't include red coloured paper in it, and i also wanted the card to be special.

So i printed pictures and i did splattered designs, after which i baked the cupcakes for him. but totally forgot to put the m&m's in the cupcake so i just poked it in. I baked 4 and i gave one to my brother cos i only needed three. Why? because i wanted to say i <3>

Then you met me under my block and you showed your attitude. Not facing me, answering me with only one word. Only nodding when i asked you yes or no questions. My heart sank even deeper. It was like you were forced to do this.. And so i put that aside. I gave you the card and suprised you with cupcakes. Your face expression was still the same. I told you " I baked it myself. Only i forgot to put in the M&M's :) " with a smile and you only nodded after i said that. you didn't even look at me. Then we decided to go to Pasir Ris park just alone together. Everything was okay, just fine.

Then the next monday, It was our actual day. It was the 18th. I thought we would be able to go home together, you sending me home and sitting under the block just talking about life. just talking about everything else we've been missing out in each others life. When the last bell rang, we walked to the canteen together. When we were outside the bookshop i asked you where you were going after this, and you said biology remedial. My heart sank upon hearing what you said. I kept quiet and you asked why. Aizat said " Dier nak balik dgn kau! " Then i nodded and walked straight up ahead. you told me " im sorry b. " Then i said ' its okay. i understand. ' then when i walked off straight first, you were again, showing your attitude. The face expression, the way you walk and talk. Everything. My heart sank even deeper. I didnt know where you went. I sat down in the canteen to wait for you. Jaja called her bf to ask whether you were with him and he said " nope, only din. " I was wondering where were you, and whether you were going to go home with me.

Babygirls said " Alah, balik je la. dier dah buat kau mcm gini. kimak busted sia. " But all i did was weep, and said im going to wait for him. I dont wanna busted him and just take the bus like that. Then my girls said, okay okay, we'll wait for him at the bustop kay. who knows if he is there because nobody knows where is he right now. So i walked to the bustop, still crying. Then everybody around started saying " Eh tu Firdaus! " I cried even more. Then he came up to me and said " B, asl? " I looked down all the way and cried even more. then you said " I send you bustop ah k. " I said you dont have to. i understand. then you said " no ah i send you bustop k. " then i kept quiet. everybody else was walking at the front already, only left me and you at the back. When everybody was out of sight you dragged me to the corner and asked me why. I didn't answer at all. You took out your phone and got so fucked up you threw it infront of me, breaking the phone into different parts. I cried even more and i was already bending down to take the parts but you stopped me before i was able to. I sat down and told you why i was crying. You told me to stop crying and you kept quiet all the way. I cried my heart out and you said stop crying kay. And so i stopped. You ask your friend to bring your bag over. then i said " Why you bring your bag over? It's okay, i'm okay. You just go to remedial kay. Exams just this week, bio exams is in 2 days. You should go. You dont have to send me home, i'm really okay. Then you kept quiet and sent me home. We sat under the block for a while and you made me laugh.

i was laughing when you said " Are you okay now? "

then i said " No. " with a smile.

then you said " Alah you smile that means you okay already la hahaha! "

then we both laughed together.

Things were okay for a while... and things started to get worst again. you started to be worst than you were before, i told you that im giving you a chance to not treat me the same way again. and you said sorry, i will prove you wrong. I trusted you, love, i trusted you so much. But you didn't prove me anything. you started the fire and i put it out, you started the fire again, this time even more serious, and i put it out. then you started the fire over and over and over again, then i blew up.

I just want you to know that all this while i have been showing my attitude, was because of how you treated me. I wanted to understand you so much then i am willing to sarcrifice my own heart just to be okay with you. all the times you treated me like hell, always making me sad, but i didn't care because i know i love you. I have so much love to give to you, but you were always not there. You treat me worst than your friends and my friends, You treat me like i was invisible, like you don't know me at all. I just want you to realise what i have been doing to keep this relationship going on between us, but you only thought about the negative things i have done. Do you even know why? Because all i ever wanted is for you to pay a little more attention to me. Just like how you used to..