speechless

here i am blogging late at night
i've tried drowning myself through songs, blogging and all sorts
but nothing seems to work
this got me thinking,
thinking so hard.

i'm sorry i'm not perfect.
sometimes i feel like you don't need me any more
sometimes i feel like you can't be bothered
sometimes i feel like you don't feel what you used to feel for me

i took the effort to understand you, what made you feel this way,
what makes you angry, what makes you sad,
what makes you happy, what makes you smile
when you are not in the mood, i'd try to make you smile
i thought you wanted me to make you feel all better,
but i didn't expect you wanting me to leave you alone this time instead

i sit here, wonder if you still feel the same
i already said this a thousand times,
and im going to repeat it once more.

what is the use of saying things when you don't mean it?
what is the use of saying things when you don't show it?
it takes two people to clap, two people to make it work.
two people to make relationships work.
but what happens when the other doesn't cooperate?
then my efforts are not even worth it

even though im still mad because of how you treated me
you know i always think about you, day and night
wondering whether how your sleep went, whether you already eaten, whether you are okay
whether you are cold, whether you are hungry and theres no food at home
whether you need someone beside you right now
...

well i doubt so
you don't say anything
but your actions tells me everything
do you even think about me anymore?
and most importantly,
is there any me, in you anymore?

i'm confused, really i am

how'd you feel if i were to do all of these actions,
to you?
you said you hate it,
but have you ever thought how i'd feel if you do it to me?
the problem is right now,
there is not if.
because all of that have already happened

i just want you to realize
how upset i am with how you have been treating me all this while
hoping that you would not do it and change for the better
but all i got was your cold shoulder again
i am so disappointed in everything

i don't know what caused you to be this way
i don't know what caused you to act this way
and i still believe that the boy i am in love with, is not completely gone
because,

i know you are so much better than this..

and since you wouldn't want to see my face around
then i shall make myself further away from where you are
then i shall not make my face appear for you to see
then i shall not text you or contact you
then i shall not do anything else

until you do so.

i wpn't say anything until you do.

it is 3.39 am in the morning, and i am going back to bed
to rest and try going to sleep

goodnight.